It’s almost over.
Just me, that dress, those kitten heels, and a manila envelope stuffed to the brim with papers I intend to burn. An icy wind, a burning sun. My hair, a sloppy pile of curls atop my head.

Meet James at 6 pm at the Elks Lodge. I’ve never been to an Elks lodge before- will there be… elk? It had been one of those days. Not sure what to make of it.
I watched a leaf scattered by the wind while I took slow and steady steps towards the balboa station.

Thinking about the what ifs of this past semester and my future, I’m trying to pry her fingers off my heart and mind. Leave me the fuck alone. A crowd is exiting the station into the sunset. I didn’t see him. But he saw me.

He paused ever so briefly- Excuse me, I just have to say, you look absolutely gorgeous. Your hair, that outfit. absolute perfection.

He continued walking as though he had never paused.

Instantly, the grip loosens and drops from my heart. Her hand covers my mouth. No, Not here. Wait until you get to the station and put your sunglasses on so no one will see you, recognize you — you big cry baby.

The whole interaction is over before I’ve had a moment to understand what happened, and yet I know exactly what happened.

but, Did it really happen? I mean, honestly, who even compliments people like that? That kind of thing only happens in the movies.

but, that’s why I wrote it down. so that I’ll remember and believe
This little movie
I’ll play in my head
on the days she comes back
and makes my stomach churn
I hear her key turn in the door
And I’ll play this loudly enough to hear
so she’ll smile on the other side
and know she’s not needed here
anymore.